Back to you
by Eclareforever93
Summary: Years after a nasty break up can Eli and Clare find thier way back to each other and happiness?
1. Chapter 1

Shouting it seems like all we ever do anymore I can't even remember why we started fighting or what topic we are currently on, it feels like we argue over everything and nothing all at the same time. This isn't how I pictured things however I'm almost immune to the harsh words and endless criticism but the words that I just heard come from his mouth felt like a punch in the gut.

"I can't take this anymore I want a divorce!" He yelled exhaustion evident as he ran his hand through his light brown hair.

I stand motionless almost numb , is this real? listening to my husband of two years saying the words divorce; no one dreams of hearing those words and it hits me like a ton of bricks I never wanted to end up like my parents when I said forever that's what I wanted it to be. I think back to the breezy September day I met him, it was my third year at Columbia in New York I walked into a coffee shop and was instantly smitten with the charming and driven waiter working his way through medical school; kaleb. A year later at our favorite beach, the weather was warm but not hot and the sound of the ocean was calm and relaxing. I was stunned when he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife I remember tears of happiness falling down my face and jumping into his waiting arms warmness flowing through my veins and a deep blush covering my body; it was one of the best moments of my life. two years later we promised each other forever for better or for worse. It was a beautiful ceremony at the vary same beach, it was September so it was a little colder but the breeze was marvelous I remember the feeling of it flowing through my hair with all our family and friends watching me like I was a princesses; it felt like a fairytale walking down that aisle dressed in white marrying a wonderful man and starting our life together out as one everything was going to be perfect just like that day. Yet here we are two years later standing in our immaculate house that we made our home, a home that from the outside looked like the vary dream I envisioned in my head when I said I do but inside I suppose this house wasn't really a home anymore and in this moment our dreams and promises are crumbling in a million pieces like the shattered glass of the picture frame lying broken on the floor the picture inside scratched but I can see our smiling faces on our wedding day mocking me.

"wh-what?" I stutter looking into the blue eyes I thought I'd look into forever in utter disbelief.

"We aren't happy Clare, we both know it we can't keep forcing something that just isn't there I'm tired of fighting"

As much as I want to disagree I know he's right, we aren't in love and I honestly don't know if we ever really were. I think we may have been in love with the idea of being in love or just feeling of love even if it was an illusion, but we made each other happy. When we met we had both gotten out of nasty break ups and needed someone we needed to feel needed, cared for we gave each other that. Our marriage has been rocky and I think deep down I always knew this would come but I didn't want it to I wanted magic I wanted our marriage to somehow become the fairytale it was supposed to be. Why now? Why does he want to end this now. This was just one of our usual fights not something that would cause him to throw in the towel.

"maybe you're right maybe we aren't happy maybe it was never right, but why now? You owe me that much." I was not asking It I was demanding it but by the regretful look in his eyes I can tell I'm not going to like the answer.

"Clare…" he says his voice soft and sorrowful cause my heart to skip a beat something's off.

"don't Clare me. Why! Why now kaleb? Tell me!" I respond bitterness in my voice.

"It's Melanie; we've… we've been sleeping together and she's pregnant I'm sorry Clare I never meant to hurt you or end things like this" I feel my stomach drop I'm stunned by his confession I almost didn't notice him reaching to touch my hand but the moment I did I pulled away I never want him touching me again the thought of it makes me sick.

"don't touch me! Don't you ever touch me again. I can't, I can't. I have to go" I could feel the air getting caught in my throat it felt like the room was closing in and i need to get out of this god forsaken so I grabbed my purse not concerned with anything else and race out the door hearing more pictures falling of the wall and shattering on the floor like my life. The tears falling from my eyes tonight are certainly not ones of happiness they are tears of despair.

I can't believe he did this to me Melanie his ex girlfriend the one he broke up with right before we met the one that cheated on him with his best friend. Him cheating on me with her for God knows how long. That alone is painful enough but he's having a baby with her that kills me. He wanted to be a father so bad we tried to have a baby for a year and I couldn't conceive month after month appointment after appointment all the best doctors but always the same result a negative line on a plastic stick. Maybe that's what gave him the final push from me and into her arms. If i could have just gotten pregnant maybe we could have lived in denial forever. After all who wants to be married to someone who's broken. I'm broken I should be able to give my husband a child but I don't think I'll ever get pregnant again...

I can't keep my thoughts from wandering to the baby I lost in high school. What he would look like who he would be. Would he have my eyes and his father's wit, or his father's looks and my focus and drive. He would be eight right now. Things could have been so different; no should have been so different than this. I should have my son if losing him wasn't enough punishment the fact that I may never have a baby is certainly more than enough to break me down. There's only one person I need right now and he's probably the last person I should see I haven't so much as even spoken his name in give five years after everything I couldn't bare it but I don't care anymore I need to see him.

I arrive and begin to make my way down the hall of the apartment building I know like the back of my hand even after all these years, i shake my head thinking about all the late night make out session against every wall because we just couldn't keep our hands off each other. That memorable time that a sprained my ankle during an extremely heated one while way to intoxicated almost makes me laugh i can still see the terrified look on his face. I head straight for the door that held the place i used to call home as fast as I can get there before my brain starts working or i lose my courage and turn back around. Upon reaching the door I take a deep breath feeling my heartbeat speed up as I begin knocking on the door. Moments later I'm met with the familiar green eyes i haven't seen in so long.

"clare?" He questions furrowing his eyebrows his voice sounding scratching like it always does when he's tired or first wakes up in the morning but the shock is still clear as day.

"Eli" I force out with a shaky voice before losing composure, tears start pouring out of my eyes like rain in the Amazon forest and I feel my legs wanting to give out. Not because my husband was cheating or because my marriage is over or even because of the idea I may never have a baby but because I can't believe I went so long without looking into those breathtaking green eyes the connection is still there strong as ever it's so intense it feels like someone's set my body on fire. I feel Eli wrap his arms around me and another feeling comes over me, inhaling his scent and feeling the warmth of his body and love in his embrace; I feel like I'm home for the first time in a long time.


	2. Chapter 2

Being in this apartment again sitting on Eli's couch seems surreal it feels as though we've been staring at each other for hours trying to take in the fact that we're actually sitting here together we have yet to take our eyes off each other it's as if he thinks I'm going to vanish into thin air perhaps a sick trick of his mind. I feel like I'm going to wake up and he'll be gone i'll be back in my house with my husband living a lie of a life. Looking at Eli he really hasn't changed all that much he's matured quite well he's still just as good looking and his messy bed head is as attractive as it ever was. I never realized how much I missed the little things about him until now but with him sitting in front of me I can't help but feel like I never want to go without those things again. I know I shouldn't go down this road we can't be together but he's like my drug no matter how long I stay away one look into his emerald eyes and I fall right back into them.

"So what do i owe the pleasure of you showing up at my doorstep considering you were crying I'm gonna assume it isn't a pleasant visit?" Eli asks breaking the silence looking at me with awaiting eyes.

Am i really about to tell him about what brought me here?

"my husband" I whisper quietly after thinking for a moment testing is reaction of the topic before going into detail.

"I see what happened?" His words came across sincere however I could see what looked like hurt in his eyes.

"He, he wants a divorce" I tell him letting The the words fall from my lips for the first time to the last person I thought I would ever tell.

"do you wanna talk about it?" he asks cautiously

"He was cheating on me with his ex girlfriend I'm not sure for how long but she's pregnant. I shouldn't be hurt we weren't really happy anyway but still I can't help but think I failed as a wife and pushed him to her"

"It's not your fault Clare, you can't make someone cheat on you. He's just an idiot and didn't realize what he had" He spoke calmly but his voice was stern making his point clear.

"you don't know that Eli. We tried to have a baby; he really wanted to be a father but after a year it never happened nothing worked. Who wants a wife that can't give them something that should be so simple" I try to hold my tears back but to no avail they come and before I know it I'm sobbing. I've never told anyone about this and saying it outloud is overwhelming. Within a moment I felt familiar strong arms holding me tightly for the second time tonight.

"I promise everything will be okay don't cry he's not worth it, what he did is not your fault there are other ways to have a baby don't make excuses for him being a Jackass"

I can't help but laugh I'm not sure if what Eli said was even remotely funny or if I'm just going insane from everything that's happened tonight by the bewildered look he was giving me when I looked up from his chest I'm assuming it's the latter. Wait; he's still holding me, smiling to myself I breath in his scent and feelings and memories flood back he smells exactly the same as he did in high school; a mixture of warm vanilla his cologne and, a smell that can only be described as his it's one of the most intoxicating smells I've ever encountered I could never get tired of it in moments like these it's pure comfort.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry it wasn't funny I don't know what's wrong with me" I apologize sincerely after my laughing fit stops.

"As hurt as I am that you think my kindness is hysterical, I'd rather you laugh at my attempts to console you than cry so go ahead and laugh all you want" he said donning his signature smirk that never fails to make my heart race even now when it shouldn't.

"Eli, do you ever think about our son?" I ask quietly playing with my hands to avoid eye contact with him. Suddenly I feel his warm hands lift my chin up so that I'm looking at him.

"all the time" the tone of his voice causes me to get goose bumps while our eyes are locked I can't help the urge to kiss him but I fight that urge.

Before i can reply I'm cut off by the sound of heavy rain pouring outside followed by roaring thunder. Perfect just what I need tonight a thunderstorm to drive home in; I'm terrible at driving in heavy rain and I've always had a fear of bad storms.

"great" I whisper to myself sounding defeated.

"you can stay here" Eli says eagerly before realizing he may have crossed a line "You know if that's not weird for you no pressure" he adds causally.

I could tell how nervous he was waiting for what my reaction to his offer would be, over the years I've learned to read his body language and facial expressions without any effort as I'm sure he can read mine it becomes second nature. My head is telling me to kindly turn down the offer to stay forget about the rain get in my car and drive home; Home… where is home? I'm certainly not going back to the house where all my stuff remains after tonight's revelations. That place is not home all it ever was; was a lie. why can't old friends who happened to have a serious long term relationship have a sleep over Right? Okay so I know better than that but ignorance is bliss.

"sure, thanks." I accept with a smile I can't help but blush at the shy smirk that appears on his lips in return.

After a bit of expected awkwardness we decide to watch t.v. for a while before going to bed. Once we got comfortable all awkwardness melted away and somehow even after everything that happened tonight we were joking and laughing like we were back in high school. It feels amazing like I'm finally free and don't have to try I i can just be me, I never had that with kaleb it was always as if something was expected of me.

After some persuading Eli convinced me into playing twenty one questions I lost count at four and that was at least an hour ago. We started out with fairly simple questions but the game has slowly been intensifying but I'm blindsided with the boldness of Eli's current question.

"Do you ever wonder what would have happened if certain things hadn't happened, you if we would have been stayed together or maybe even married right now?" His question was vary to the point no joking or sarcasm.

Five minutes later I'm still sitting here uncertain of how to respond, the way he's looking at me directly in my eyes so intently isn't helping it's like he's trying to read my thoughts before i can put them together to form a sentence the intensity is enough to cause my breathing pick up. Sure the answer is actually simple; of course I wonder I've thought about it a million times but I just can't get over what happened. I never wanted to have to miss Eli i wanted to be with him forever I don't think I could ever be that in love again but being with Eli wasn't an option after that. Love can be cruel sometimes.

"Yes" I finally answer simply not wanting to drag it out.

"okay" I could see his facial features shift as he thought finally reaching acceptance after taking in my answer. It was silent for another moment before he spoke again. "so your turn. Make it good." he said with sarcasm and raising an eyebrow taking some of the tension out of the air.

"did you have a serious relationship after me?" it was word vomit I don't even know how I let that come out of my mouth sure I'm curious but do I really want to know? Even after all this time and a marriage the thought of Eli loving someone else being with someone else intimately I can't even fathom that.

"yes" He responded the same simple way I had when I answered his question but that one word caused a pang in my heart that I wasn't expecting.


	3. Chapter 3

My mind is going a mile a minute, who is she; are they still involved? How serious? Engagement? Marriage? Kids? Wait he never said it was just one relationship was it more? Did he fall in love? Is he over it? Why do I care so much or at all. I'm married; soon to be divorced but none the less I got married made a life with someone new after Eli and i broke up. I moved on I should be happy he did... but did I really move on? Is it possible i never really did? If I had then the information Eli just shared with me probably wouldn't feel like a knife in my heart that's being twisted every time I think about him with another girl.

"o-oh" is all i manage to say. It's best to keep all my questions to myself anyway. I just hope he can't see how much his answer effected me.

"we aren't together anymore if you're wondering" His words come out flat but I could sense more emotion behind them. Maybe he's not over her, or it ended badly.

"I'm sorry to hear that" I reply placing my hand over his comfortingly. I'll never admit it but it was a lie all i felt when he said that was relief even with the suspicion he may not be over whoever this mystery girl is.

"well as much as I hate to cut our game short; I should go to bed now it's late, I have to be up early in the morning and we both know I can get a little crazy without sleep." He says flashing a flirtatious smile adding a wink for exaggeration. He's probably thinking about the same late nights we spent together as I am.

"goodnight Eli, thank you for being here for me when you didn't have to be." I say whole heartedly reaching in and giving him a tight hug.

"always" He whispers soft and sweet in my ear before walking back to his bedroom; the same one we used to share.

Letting go and watching him walk down the hall was harder than I anticipated it would be. My heart is telling me to follow him and lay in his arms like I used to, i want that spot beside him in his bed to be mine but I know that's long gone now. I don't know why I'm doing this to myself things with us ended badly no cross that out disastrously. I'll never forget that day.

The look on his face the complete brokenness I felt inside the loss of control I had over myself and my actions because of his. I know I can't allow myself to be with Eli again but maybe just for tonight? No I can't. Can I?

I could blame it on being in a vulnerable state and needing to feel loved it would make perfect sense to find that in the man I loved and spent my life with for six years but, even if I did that I'll always know the truth. My wanting to walk into that room has nothing to do with kaleb and everything to do with unresolved feelings for Eli. If i I were to do that would that be fair to either of us knowing I have no intention of being in a relationship with him again?

 **Buzz, Buzz, buzz.**

I hear the sound of my phone vibrating on the coffee table perplexed by who would possibly be calling me at one in the morning on a Thursday I decide to get up from my comfortable spot on Eli's couch and check. Picking up my phone the name on the screen is the last one I want to see right now; kaleb. Why is he calling me if he cared at all about me he wouldn't have had an affair for probably months with his ex girlfriend and he damn sure wouldn't have gotten her pregnant if he didn't wanted to be with me he would have told me before crawling into bed with someone else. Without a second thought I press ignore and shut my phone off.

After laying back down all i can do is toss and turn. I can't shut my thoughts off it's now three in the morning and I have gotten no sleep. My eyes wander to the door down the hall; Eli's room. I know I shouldn't go in there and I try to resist with all the willpower in my body but somehow my feet move on their own accord down the hall. As I reach the door I place my hand on the knob before taking a moment to calm my nerves I can feel myself shaking in anticipation over what might happen if I go inside with Eli anything is possible.

Slowly I open the door revealing the bedroom we once shared, not much has changed other than the pictures of us are now gone another pang to the heart I know it shouldn't be did I really expect him to keep them up after that night? After everything that was said? I'm pretty sure the last thing he wanted was to see those pictures of happy times taunting him. My eyes finally stop at the bed where Eli is sleeping peacefully his hair a mess and the sound of his light snoring filling the quiet room. Maybe if I just quietly climb in bed beside him he won't wake up, in the morning I'll just tell him I had a bad dream or something.

I tiptoe slowly to the bed and softly climb in careful not to make any more sound than necessary. Once I'm in the bed I snuggle into his side his body heat warming me I breath in his scent loving the calming feeling it's giving me as much as I know this is wrong it's exactly what i needed probably longer than just tonight. I close my eyes just taking in the feeling I have in this moment because I intend on it being the last time I have this with Eli it's bittersweet. Just as I begin to drift asleep to the sound of his breathing and relaxing into the feeling of his chest rising and falling I'm pulled back by a different sound.

"Clare?" Eli's groggy voice interrupts my peacefulness. I have no idea what to do.


	4. Chapter 4

_**Authors note- sorry this chapter is a bit short and I took so long to update but I've had a lot going on recently and regretfully haven't had as much time to update routinely anyway I hope you enjoy this chapter feedback on the comments is great and sorry for any errors I didn't get a chance to edit.**_

"Clare?" Eli's groggy voice interrupts my peacefulness. I have no idea what to do…

"Ye-yeah" I stutter unsure of how to respond.

"Is something wrong?"

"No i just couldn't sleep and i didn't want to be alone, I can go back out there with you want. I'm sorry" I apologize as I begin to get up only stop be stopped by Eli's hand on my wrist.

"You don't need to be sorry or leave you're fine stay here with me" He speaks softly while pulling gently on my wrist so i lay back down beside him.

"Thank you again Eli, I really missed this and you"

"Me too, more than you know.

I sigh cuddling into his chest once again enjoying the familiar comfort he gives we lay there quietly for what could have been minutes or hours time wasn't on my mind, I look up at Eli noticing he's looking down at me with a look of adoration I miss the way he used to look at me like this all the time. Suddenly a need for him comes over me and before I have a chance to think about it I learn up locking our lips together.

If my abrupt action caught him by surprise he didn't show it, he kissed me back without a moment's hesitation and the way he kissed me was like nothing had changed. I could feel all the same emotions I always did in his kiss; love, desire, need. His kisses have always been passionate weather they were slow and sweet or urgent and lustful It's something i could never forget, this kiss is somewhere in the middle.

As things pick up pace and our hands start to slowly roam each other's bodies i know I have a choice to make do I want this to go further? If I wait any longer I'll be so lost in Eli's touch it won't be a decision it will be an impulse. On one hand I know having sex with Eli isn't the smartest choice things with us have never been easy and sex tonight would surely cause a complication. I'm not sure how either of us would feel in the morning, would one of us regret it? Or maybe both?

On the other hand it's not like it's something we haven't done before so should it really matter all that much? Can't two adults have consensual sex with their ex without strings and complications besides that even if Eli and I can't be together I know we both still care about each other and on some level even still love each other and the way he's kissing my next is certainly helping this side.

After what I've been through tonight do I really need to be rational? I think I deserve to just feel good and this with Eli right now feels good. I decide to forget about the repercussions this could bring tomorrow and give into the temptation with my mind made up I trail my hands down to the top of Eli's pajama bottoms and begin pulling them down

"Are you sure you want to do this?" He asks between the kisses he's peppering on my neck. If I'm going to back out now is my chance.

"Yes" I moan quietly. After that things picked up quickly and I never considered changing my mind.

Now we're laying in Eli's bed quietly he's holding me closely and my holding on to him as tight as I can as if the tighter I told the slower this night will go. I know tomorrow morning things we be different. My marriage is over, I'm talking to Eli again and we will have to pretend this what just happened never happened; we can't be together.

I don't know if I should feel guilty for not making that clear to him before things went as far as they did but, for all I know he could feel the same way i do or the complete opposite we didn't exactly end things because he wanted to as a mutual understanding we got I left and never came back after a particularly ugly fight over something I hating thinking about. I just hope neither of us regret this in the morning because with us you never know what to expect, this could either blow over or be a huge deal.

As I'm drifting off to sleep i swear I hear him whisper I love you before I feel sleep overtake me.

I wake up to the sound of cars riding past, I sit up holding the sheet over my makes body taking in the room; Eli's room so last night wasn't a dream it was reality I'm really getting a divorce my husband is really having a baby with his ex-girlfriend that he had been having an affair with for God only knows how long and I handled it by running into the arms or should I say bed of my ex-boyfriend who i never really got over. This can't be my reality I think as I feel back against the bed with a sigh. Way to go Clare; way to go.

I notice Eli isn't in the bed next to me so maybe he's gone he did say he had somewhere to be in the morning, wait; what time is it anyway? I look around for a clock my eyes falling upon on on the tv stand it's two o'clock! Wow. I quickly get up throwing my clothes on hoping to get out without having to confront Eli if I can avoid that for now it would be great i can just text him about it later today or maybe tomorrow.

Once I'm dressed I walk out of Eli's room relieved there is no sign of him he must still be gone. I head towards the door when I hear his voice calling my name from the bathroom, great spoke to soon. I turn around on my heels and meet his eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

"Were you sneaking out?" Eli asks with a lopsided grin propping himself on the doorway.

"I-I-" I stutter but he cuts me off thankfully because if I had to continue I might have vomited all over his floor.

"I know I've had my share of problems but I'm past that I'm not gonna crash my car because you want to leave the morning after, I've had my share of one nightstands" He laughs. I however feel another punch in the gut when we broke up he had only been with me and well Julia so other than this girl He was with after me he was intimate with more.

"You're right, I'm sorry I just didn't want this to feel weird considering we have past" I apologize glancing around his apparent at pretty much everything but him.

"You don't need to apologize Clare you trying to sneak out like we're sixteen was entertaining and cute" He smirked.

"So glad I amuse you" I say sarcastically rolling my eyes.

"Woah calm down tiger" He jokes holding his hands out in surrender causing us both to laugh.

"So no weirdness?" I question arching an eyebrow once we get out laughter under control.

"Weirdness about what?" He smiles.

"Good" I sigh.

We stand there silently studying each other for a moment, him still leaning against the wall and me standing at the door where I was caught. The way he's looking at me can almost guarantee he's thinking the same thing I am; i wish things could be different. Sure no weirdness is good but being able to give into that pounding heart in my chest that's screaming you still love him would be amazing. I can't though. Can I? No it's too late for that.

"Well, I should get going I really need to figure things out with the asshole I thought it was a good idea to marry, he wasn't even that great." I chuckle.

"Certainly not as charming as me right?" Eli says sounding smug in his sarcastic way but he's right I don't think he was even as charming as Eli was that new year's eve he got drunk and puked on my shoe.

I roll my eyes and walk towards the door opening it before turning around noticing Eli still staring at me with a smirk on his face.

"Not even close" I agree winking before walking out the door.

Now unfortunately I have confront that worthlessness soon to be ex husband of mine this should be interesting, I don't even want to face him. I still can't believe this is happening it's like it's almost like I'm outside of my body watching myself as I put my key in the lock and step inside. I look around the living room and notice something peculiar all my stuff is packed in boxes sitting in the living room floor. I hope he doesn't think it's going to be that easy after what he did. No way.

"Oh hey Clare" Kaleb greets me seeming eerily happy.

"Hi. Now can you please tell me why my stuff is packed?" I ask bluntly.

"Oh I was gonna tell you last night Melanie is moving in so I figured I'd go ahead and pack your stuff for you." He says casually as if we're talking about the weather I can't help but burst out in a fit of laughter.

"No, actually Melanie is certainly not moving in and I am not moving out, You cheated so maybe if you play nice I'll consider not suing your ass for everything you have in alimony now if you would please back your stuff and leave, oh and take the whore with you I know she's back there." I smile coldly and begin unpacking my things.

"Don't call her that Clare" Kaleb defends getting a little too close to my personal space.

"Well I don't know what else to call someone like her but, if you keep trying to intimidate me and don't pack your things leaving as quickly as possible; I promise you I have someone that would be happy to come here and make you stop." I warn him.

"Are you threatening me?" He snarls angrily.

"Yup, you remember what happened the last time you ran into Eli? Well let's just say it'll be way worse if I have to call him because you're disrespecting me" I say giving him a look daring him to test me.

The first and only time Eli met Kaleb was right after me and Kaleb started seeing each other and it was not pretty. It involved a very drunk and hostile Eli at a club we both just happened to be at and Eli lost it when he saw us together If I had not begged and pleaded for Eli to stop hitting him he probably would have killed him.

 _Flashback:_

" _Kaleb stop" I giggled flirtatiously as he whispered seductively in my ear when suddenly he was pulled off of me with brute force._

 _I looked up and saw Eli I had been avoiding him since I left our apartment not looking back after he broke my heart. His eyes were dark and menacing I'd never seen him look so evil not even when he was off his bipolar medication, He looked like he wanted to rip Kaleb limb from limb. He was holding him by his shirt and staring him directly in the eyes I could hear him breathing heavily like a bull that saw red ready to charge and that's exactly what happened._

 _The next thing I saw saw Eli throw Kaleb to the floor pounding him every where I stood frozen for what felt like eternity but was only all of five seconds before people were rushing over trying to remove Eli but failing miserably. I heard Eli growl then his fist connected with Kaleb's nose blood flying everywhere it was badly broken along with a few cracked ribs. Finally I was able to move and speak._

" _Eli! Eli! Please just stop please you're going to kill him. Stop for me." I begged._

 _After a one last punch Eli got up off of Kableb leaving him blood on the floor but still conscious and looked at me his eyes much softer than what they were moments ago. He then walked up to me putting his lips to me ear._

" _I love you Clare, always. I'm sorry" He whispered before walking away._

 _End flashback:_

That was the last time Kaleb or I saw Eli until last night that is.

I bring my attention back to the present moment and judging by the look of discomfort on Kaleb's face he was bringing back the memories of the same moment i was. I know I shouldn't use Eli as a threat but I had to... and it wasn't a lie if I called Eli I know he'd be here within minutes.

"Fine, I'll go." Kaleb states as he begins packing his things.

"Thought so." I reply crudely watching him practically slam some things into bags before walking into our oh wait no my bedroom to get the rest of his stuff.

About a half hour later he comes out of my room with all his bags in hand Melanie trotting behind him like a good little home wrecking whore avoiding my gaze I don't know if I want to hug her or slap her; sure she "stole" my husband but we were living a lie so in a away she helped me although it did hurt. Kaleb looks back at me before he heads out the door and I couldn't help but get one more comment in.

"See you in court!" I yell as he slams the door obviously still furious at me for not allowing him to walk all over me. Watching him pull away from my house hopefully for the last time I feel a sense of relief he's gone but fear of the unpredictable future that is waiting.


	6. Chapter 6

_**author's note: once again sorry for any mistakes I just don't have much time lately so editing is a challenge to fit in. Anyway thanks for reading:)**_

 _ **One month later-**_

I can't believe it's been a month since Kaleb confessed to his adultery, with the way things are going it's looking like this divorce is going to be ugly. I can't help but be thankful we weren't able to have a baby at this point, it would've only made things more difficult than they already are. I've come to terms with the fact he was never in love with me his heart always belonged to her.

Eli and I have been hanging out a lot it's been good and having someone who I know cares about me here to support me but, I'm worried things will get difficult between us. I know I have unresolved feelings for him and I'm pretty sure he feels the same. The problem is I don't want to act on them. Neither of us have brought up our night together I'm grateful for that, especially because I can't get it out of my head. The way being intimate with Eli makes me feel is incredible, it's like flying but then I remember what he did and it feels like a nose dive into cold-water and not knowing how to swim.

I'm on my way to Eli's now. I was nearby and decided to stop by considering he's my only friend at this point. All the "friends" I had made during my relationship with Kaleb dropped me as soon as he left; apparently married women with money only like married women with money. I turn the bend and head into the small parking garage smiling to myself noticing Eli's car parked in its usual spot but it fades turning to a look of confusion when I see the car parked next to his. I've never seen it here before and it's obviously a female's car aside from being a powder blue convertible the shining items dangling from the mirror are a giveaway.

I contemplate turning around and pretending I never came but even if he has a girl in there I'm going to have to get over him being with another women at some point the sooner the better, I can't expect him to be alone because I have feelings for him that I have no intent on giving into. I park my car on the other side of Eli's and make my way up the steps to the door of his apartment that I've seen quite a lot of recently. I can hear talking coming from inside there is definitely a female in there. I listen for a few more moments before my mouth drops.

Eli's voice isn't the only familiar voice coming from behind that door. I feel myself fill with pure rage at the realization. I'm usually good at controlling myself and keeping composure but I think this is something I can't shake off so easily the sound of that voice that I know so well is enough to trigger an irrational reaction from me. All the good memories it brings back are quickly pushed aside when I remember that the person that voice belongs to ruined the way my life was supposed to be.

"What is she doing here!" I shout furiously barging through Eli's apartment bring back memories of one of the worst days of my life.

I see Eli look to me with worry and then I turn to the other person my eyes locking with hers glaring at her as if I could turn her to stone. I can't help the animalistic instinct I have to rip her to shreds. She's just standing there wide eyed the last time I saw her was in the apartment five years ago naked with Eli in his bed. I feel my blood boil has the memory comes into play.

"Clare it's not what it looks like she just needed to talk to me over that thing-" Eli starts but is interrupted by her.

"Thing?!" She questions obviously insulted.

"Yeah I'd hate to agree with such a slut I don't know if a baby should be called that thing" I say more agitated.

"look Clare I'm sor-" She started but I cut her off.

"Save it, I trusted you and you slept with my boyfriend and got pregnant what did you come back for more!" I spit venomously I don't even like hearing her name let alone being in a room with her.

"Clare it's not like that." Eli says trying to calm me down but at this point I don't think that's possible.

" Then what does she need to talk about your baby for" I notice Eli tense I'm assuming this isn't a great subject for him either.

"We can talk about that later." Eli responds giving her a warning glare not to see anything.

As if standing in a room with the two of them isn't enough they expect me to be okay with them not telling me what called for this reunion other than it has to do with the baby they conceived one drunken night. Well Eli was drunk her not so much. From what I heard the baby was given up for adoption and they never spoke again. It kills me to know Eli cheated on me had a baby with her while we were together and in love so soon after we lost our son this is why I can't forgive him and her I hate her with everything in me. What I want to know is why they need to discuss a baby they gave up years ago.

"no tell me now! You, you owe me that." I say looking her in the eye.

"I want my son back Clare."

My mouth practically hits the floor I notice Eli glaring and my heart is pounding so it was a boy Eli had another boy. I feel tears sting my eyes at all this information but I push it away replacing it with anger.

"I want mine back too but that's not possible. You Know what Else I want back? My life before my best friend slept with the love of my life and got pregnant! I hate you I was supposed to be able to trust you with anything and in the end you ruined my life Allie!" I yell tears going down my cheeks from both sadness and rage.


	7. Chapter 7

I can't look at either of them the furry flowing through my veins is making my whole body feel like it's burning from the inside out. If I felt it was worth throwing my life away I'd push Allie out of the window the way she pushed me from her thoughts when she slept with Eli. God I've tried so hard to get over this. I thought I had come so far but this has brought me right back to square one.

"Clare." Eli says gingerly attempting to step closer to me.

"No. No! Don't touch me. You were supposed to love me! You were supposed to be there for me after I lost our baby but you just had sex with my friend Eli!" I shout all the emotion I had bottled up over the weeks coming back out.

"I did, I do." He says with certainty his eyes staying locker on me while Allie just stands in the background not daring to speak.

"That's not love Eli. If you loved me how could you do that! How could either of you do that. You both tossed everything away, destroyed my life for one night of fun! So tell me now" I laugh dryly before continuing. "was it worth it?" I ask.

They both stare at me then each other before turning their heads to the ground not thought but in shame it's so clearly they are to ashamed to even answer my question but I'm not letting that happen this question has haunted me for years making me question myself worth nearly everyday making me settle for a loveless marriage I deserve the answer.

"Answer me." I demand with a growl turning my attention to Eli first.

"Not at all. There hasn't been a minute of my life that I haven't regretted that night. I regret losing you and having nowhere to put the blame but in myself but, I regret hurting you more I hate myself for it." He answers sincerely fighting to keep his emotions under control which is hard for him.

"What about you?" I sneer facing my once best friend with a stone expression.

"Clare I never wanted to hurt you. I even gave our baby away for you!" She yells back getting upset herself.

I wince hearing her refer to her and Eli's child as "our baby" but she's right they had a baby together a little boy who's somewhere out there half her and half Eli. I close my eyes trying to keep my strong appearance and composure when I'm really losing it.

"Well I hope you find him Allie but I never made you do that."

After that I hurry back out of the door speeding to my car desperate as flashbacks enter my mind.

 _Flashback:_

 _I walk into the apartment I share with Eli it's around 10:00pm tossing my keys on the table by the door. It's spring and the weather is absolutely beautiful tonight. I stroll through our apartment hoping Eli is still hope so we can take a walk only as I enter our bedroom that thought is obliterated._

 _There they were Eli and Allie naked in our bed her on top of him there was no hiding what they were doing I stood there not being a able to move for a moment before tossing a glass vase at the wall behind them before walking out. I can hear Eli yelling my name but I don't care I hate him._

" _Clare wait!" He calls running up grabbing my wrist just before I exit the front door._

" _No Eli, I'm done. I will never forgive you, I never want to look at you again I hope she was worth it." I cry before walking out of_ _ **his**_ _apartment._

 _End flashback:_

"Clare wait!" I hear Eli call chasing after me, wow how history has a way of repeating itself. As his hand grabs my wrist I consider uttering the same words I did all those years ago. Now we'll see if time really changes us.

"No Eli I-I just need some time." I say noticing the look of relief in his eyes as he runs his hands through his hair.

"Clare I swear she-"

"Eli, you don't have to explain that's your business. We both know you and I can never be anything more than friends." I smile sadly.

"Clare." He begins to argue but stops himself looking down at his feet kicking an invisible object.

"I'll see you around Eli. I just need some time after seeing her and hearing what she had to say." I tell him honestly.

"Sure thing." He replies sadness dripping from his voice.

As I'm pulling out I notice Allie walk up to him while he was still standing in the same spot I watch the two bicker for a moment before he pushes past her walking back toward the building leaving her standing there looking lost deep in thought. One thing is for sure this confrontation confirmed none of us are over this yet.

I pull into my huge house that I once shared with my now ex-husband it feels so big and lovely at this point in my life I'm worried it will stay that way forever. Why does life have to be so complicated? I'm not sure what else could make my life more fucked up at this point everything is falling apart in my life and all I'm left with is a big house no husband no friends a bunch of legalities to sort through and more meetings with lawyers and Kaleb then I care to have. I wouldn't have this if stupid Eli meant what he said when he promised me forever but then again who knew, I never expected him do what he did.

Make myself something to eat before reading a book until I noticed it was getting late. I decided to take a hot shower before bed. After getting out I walk to my room throwing on an oversize shirt and shorts. I walk over to my calendar to see what I have to do tomorrow that's when my jaw drops I see a little dot on the calendar exactly a week ago today. I'm late. No that can't be I fly to the bathroom like a bullet rummaging through the closet in search for one of the tests I have left from when Kaleb and I were trying.

I take the stick out of the box taking taking it without reading the directions I've done these so many times I have it memorized. I set it on the counter watching the little digital screen blink as two out of the three lines are colored signaling the results will be up in a brief moment. I close my eyes taking a deep breath.


	8. Chapter 8

_**Pregnant**_ ; the big hold letters appear on the small screen.

I thought I'd be devastated if this was the result but I'm not, I'm not thrilled either it's one of those butter bittersweet feelings. I'm pregnant which is something I've wanted for so long that i thought would never happen I had given up all hope of ever having another baby however I had pictured this moment a lot different.

I'm pregnant by my estranged high school sweetheart in the middle of a divorce while my ex best friend who slept with my babies father ending our relationship is trying to get their child back the production of that vary night I had the misfortune of walking in on. This is a terrible situation to bring a baby into but one this is for sure I'm keeping this baby,

I could never give him or her up I have no idea how Allie and Eli did it. They claim it was because of me but no one could give their own flesh and blood away over something like that could they? Maybe that's why it's haunting Allie now she was young just like I was when I lost Adam a lot changes over time and seven almost eight years is a long time. We're all nearly to our thirties now.

What do I do now though my emotions and thoughts are running wild the father of the baby I'm carrying is the love of my life who I decided I could never be with again a long time ago. I start to think that night was a huge mistake but something inside of me knows it wasn't.

I guess the place to start is going to see a doctor then, if everything is good I have no choice other than to tell Eli sooner rather than later. A few years ago i might have had considerations of not telling him that being said I'm older now and I know that's not an options he has a right to know everything after that I have no clue.

Sitting down on the edge of my bathtub I take deep breaths trying to let the gravity of the situation sink in. I'm having a baby with Eli this is happening… unless the same thing as last time happens what if I lose this baby too? I feel I can handle anything else that is thrown at me regarding this pregnancy as long as there is a healthy baby at the end of it.

I feel my breathing getting shallow while my heart rate accelerates the walls are closing in; I'm hyperventilating. I can't hyperventilate now that can't be good for my baby can it? I'm alone what If something happens. I get up pacing the room before finally picking my phone up dialing Eli's number.

"Clare? I thought-" Eli answers confused.

"Eli, I need you." I say as well as I can mange in my current state.

"I'm on my way" He responds worriedly I hear the sound of keys jingling and a door slam shut before the line goes silent.

I continue to pace around running my hand through my hair over and over I've walked across this spot so many times I could burn a hole in it. I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to say to Eli when he gets here. Telling him about this now was not part of the plan I just made less than a half hour ago but that was before I lost all rational thinking before I started drowning myself in horrible possible outcomes.

I see headlights turn into my driveway through my living room window within seconds I hear the engine stop along with a door slamming shut then a frantic Eli rush through the door racing over to me. This is it how do I tell him What's going on. I turn to meet his face still in an extremely panicked irrational state.

"Clare what's wrong?" He asks pulling me over to him seeming just as panicked himself now.

"Eli, I'm pregnant." I telling him looking up the same words falling from my lips that had my senior year in high school. He gives me the same exact look. If this has taught me anything so far it's that time changes you but something's manage to stick around ingrained as part of who you are.

"Is it mine?" He asks cautiously probably thinking back to the same memories as I am.

"Yes. I answer nodding my head up and down. As soon as I answer I can tell he's more concerned a new look comes over him although I'm not sure how to describe this one.

"Okay, you need to calm down. Everything is going to be okay just breath Clare it can't be good to be worked up like this." He speaks his voice soft but powerful as he walks me over towards the couch.

I'm reminded of how far Eli has come from manic episodes to being able to be rational in an intense situation like this when I can't even be. After a few minutes that felt more like hours of Eli calming me down gently running his hands up and down my back I finally got myself under control.

"I'm sorry I wasn't planning on telling you like this or at all until I see a doctor but then I got stuck in all the things that could go wrong and I couldn't calm down so I called you. This was a bad idea you can go home just forget I said anything I'm-"

"Clare first stop you're gonna get yourself worked up again, second you just told me you're pregnant with my baby and you expect me to just leave?"

"I don't know Eli I'm so confused this couldn't have happened at a worse time what am I going to do. This is a terrible time for a baby." I ramble standing up from the couch beginning to pace again. I look over at Eli sitting on the couch still his body now noticeably tense.

"Are You keeping the baby?" He asks nervously as he stands up walking over to me.

"Yes Eli I'm keeping my baby" I tell him straightforward looking into his green eyes trying my best to read his emotions while I wait for his response.


	9. Chapter 9

I feel my heart pounding in my chest waiting for his reply it's only been seconds but every single one feels like an hour. Waiting for his repods I think about what I want him to say; do I want him to say he wants to be here from me and our baby? Do I want him to suggest we try working things out in order to be a family? Or do I want him to say he doesn't want any involvement with our child it sounds crazy to even consider wanting that but it would make things less complicated, sure i'd be a single mother but that's less complicated than co parenting with Eli or being with him. Somehow I don't feel as if he'll do that even if I told him too, he's probably not willing to lose a third child if preventable it seems as though he's been through everything except actually getting to know his child. At this point I just want his to say something anything the silence is worse than anything he could say to me but he doesn't seem like he can find words. I can tell just by looking at him his mind is racing finally I see him look like he's about to speak up.

"This is great" He smiles ear to ear. Okay wasn't expecting that.

"It is?" I question dumbfounded by his excitement. This is hardly the perfect timing for us to have a baby financially we may be in a better place then when I got pregnant back in high school but relationship wise I can't say we're in a much better position.

"Yes! Of course it is Clare, I can't think of anyone else i'd rather do this with."

"But we aren't together and then what's going on with Allie and my divorce this is a terrible time for this to happen" I sit on the couch dropping my head in my hands a light headed feeling washing over me.

"Are you okay" Eli asks kneeling in front of me.

"Yes, this is just a lot to take in. I feel drained.

"Listen Clare, none of that stuff matters at this point we have to deal with this situation for what it is, there is no point in focusing on the negative. We can do this together or not i'm gonna be here for both of you. Everything will be okay. I promise." I feel Eli wrap his arms around me that mixed with his words gives me a sense of security making this situation a bit less glum.

"So what are we going to do?" I ask looking up at him.

"Get married" He says flatly.

"You're kidding?" you never know with him he could be joking or he could be completely serious.

" yes," he laughs. "Unless that's what you want i'm perfectly willing to do that." He says seriously.

"You really know how to make a girl feel special."

"Clare it's not like that, you're the only person I want to marry that will never change. No one will ever live up to you not the girl I was seeing that I told you about or anyone else; it's always been you, this baby is going to be the best part of my life right beside you and I want nothing more than to spend everyday of my life with you and him or her being a family not a broken one that would be perfect but I can't make you want that and I know that's my fault."

I feel tears start falling from my eyes knowing I feel the same way, his words warm my heart in a way I forgot I could feel this man is the only one for me and he has been since that day he ran over my glasses we've been through so much and this is yet another thing; a good thing he's right about that. It has me wondering if I can try to forgive him if not for us for our baby? Doesn't he or she deserve that? We do love each other they say you always forgive someone you love, I believe that's true I have forgiven Eli i'm just not over what happened I might never be but i've never given him a chance to try and help me accept it and give us a chance to make things work its what we both want and something keeps pulling us back together maybe it's destiny or maybe it's just life's sick way of tormenting us but the only way to find out is to try. I'm not in the right state right now to act on that right now though this isn't just us anymore; it's our baby.

Our baby the one I've wanted for years the one I thought i'd never be able to have the baby I miraculously conceived with my high school sweetheart during a one night stand. It's our chance to have what was ripped from us all those years go maybe that's why part of me is happy that this is Eli's baby that I didn't have success getting pregnant with Kaleb no matter how hard we tried. Now that i've let it sink in I want this baby; Eli's baby more then anything of course Adam can't be replaced but this is the closed genetic link to him that i'll ever get.

"Thank you Eli, I feel a lot better now."

"So where do we go from here?"

"Wherever this journey takes us"

We lounge on the couch for a while in the quiet letting everything sink in some more, Me laying down my head resting on his stomach my legs over the arm, him sitting up with his hand resting under his chin i'm not sure how long we've been like this all I know is I don't want him to leave, I want the secure feeling of him being here to last forever. Maybe it will?


End file.
